Torture in My Mind

Torture in My MInd

Naomi, Age 18

Right now I feel torture in my mind,

Just when I thought I'd left it all behind;

The food, the weight sort of felt normal again,

Then why would I be putting these thoughts to pen?

 

I'm just cutting down a little I say within,

But I worry this battle, 'it' will win;

I'm frightened that a relapse is how this will end, 

But 'it's ok', 'I'm fine' is what I have to pretend.

 

I don't want this to go as far as last time,

A treacherous mountain I had to climb;

To get as far as I have today,

But right now my thoughts are on how much I weigh.

 

The image in the mirror is important to me,

Ribcage, collarbones are what I long to see;

I body check daily, but why? I don't know,

All I want is to be thinner and I want it to show.

 

But I don’t want people to start to worry again,

I don't want them to weigh me on the scales and then;

Tell me I'm going on a weight gain meal plan,

I couldn't do that again, couldn't repeat how recovery began.

 

There are a couple of things that concern me a little,

I get dizzy, no period, will my bones become brittle?

I suppose I can blame it now on stress,

But really I know that my mind's a mess.

 

I know that I am struggling, day in and day out, 

But I won't, I can't tell somebody about,

This torture, this battle within my head, 

Because the truth is, I want to lose weight, don't want to be fed.

 

I'm only cutting out a bit of food from the meal plan each day,

But those little bits count in a massive way;

Because when I feel hungry but do not eat,

It almost feels good, it tastes both sour and sweet.

 

Right now I am tired of fighting this war,

I thought I had defeated 'it' before;

I don't want food and weight to be of such great concern, 

But I feel I still have a big lesson to learn.

 

So now as I lie here, contemplating my struggles,

It all seems too much, such a lot to juggle;

But the real question is, how will this end?

What's next for me, what's just around the bend?

 

Eating Disorder Association NI
28 Bedford Street,
Belfast, BT2 7FE
Phone: 028 9023 5959
Email: edani@btconnect.com